I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
