and she was petting her beer can
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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