I think I won the penis lottery.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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