Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
