The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
