I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
