Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
