My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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