I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
