I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
