hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I wish you could order shots online.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
