Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
