the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
