what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
