Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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