Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
