So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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