I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
