No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
foreskin is a definite game changer
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
