I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
