so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
