omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
