And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
