cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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