I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
