You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
