I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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