When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
