i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
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