he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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