She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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