So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
