I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Randomize
