did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Well I just put wine in my tea
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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