as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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