Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
