the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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