I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
