Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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