If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
