i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
