i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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