Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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