I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
