I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
