hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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