Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
