Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
