Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
