She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
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