I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
